Back After Many Years

 My Thoughts

Oct 4th 2022

Sakura Fujio here, I haven't write here in a long time for many years I think. I got carried away with life and many things after my laptop broke. 

But now I think its time to write about my life again once more.

Ohh how much I wanted to go to the beach! I have never been there in my whole life! When I was little I use to look at places in picture books magazine. I wanted to go London, New York and the beaches!

When people asked me my age and when I answered "22" they always tell me that I'm young. But age is just a number and I think what it matters the most is a person metal age. 

I have gone through a lot of things in my life at a young age. Things that normal people with normal lives in their 30s haven't even exprienced at all. 

I've lost my father ...its been 8 years...this month October 27th night is the anniversary  of his death. He passed away on a full moon night...I was only a little girl back then and little did I know that bad things were going to happen in my life after his passed away.... 

Right now in the present I'm traumatized by it...all those harsh events in life has become scars in my memories. I have a metal illness and I get anxiety attacks.  I have a lot of things going on in my head. To name one it would be "fear of loosing someone dear to me completely like it happend to my father." Unable to talk to them, touch them, see them again....those thoughts I worry. Having interaction with people in real life is really hard for me too. People get bored of me, some get jealous, some only get closer for their own benefits and a lot of betrayal back stabbing drama from human kind.  Every time I get to know someone but they hate me for no reason and one day they smile at me and one day they become crazy and start yelling at me.....those troubles I encountred....

To name the second problem I have "fear to be hopeless". Since my father passed away I was locked up in the same house and was gaslighted for many years by my stepmom. I was manipulated by her in many ways...she took advantage of my life and me. After my father passing I wasnt going to school anymore...I stop seeing my friends...I didn't have a job...at some point I did but all the income she took it saying that Im too young of a kind...and at some point I quit the job due to my anxieties and socializing problems. I had to work for her ...forced manipulated labor ...making clothes for her costumers. The people who came because they liked my skills...she took all the credits claiming it all. 

Years passed and Covid19 came 2020..

I was at a metal breakdown to the point where I would to harm myself by resting my whole body in the water tank in the bathroom 2-3 times a week. Sitting underwater is what I called..  it was quite deep and sometime I thought I would drown...I can't swim ...yet I did that...I was too depressed...

I didn't have job back then because of lockdowns. Also living in a poor country took away my opportunity I guess...I couldn't work online for other countries and a lot of thing were block acess by the government. 

I was gaslighted by her day by day....her toxic issues never stops. I hated her face even now and all those memories are pieces of sh✘t!! 

She told me that she wouldn't mind if I died because no one would remember me and it makes it easier for her living expense...She told me if I'm gone it will make her happy and all that. I cried and those days were terrible....She said I don't deserves anything because I'm to be miserable and unfortunate....and talked all mean things to my father who is gone..  

It was my worst nightmare....yet I try to express myself and use the advantage of my freetime to share the world who Im.....I posted on Facebook and Youtube a lot back then. I took photos of clothes I made and wore them, drawings, music video covers, etc. But a lot of things I encount....people...different people that gives me bad memories...all those drama. People who judge me while knowing nothing about me...and people who take advantage of me by pretending to be nice and slowly showing their true colors. Some cyber bully me by telling me hurtful things about my personal life....and what I do...I slowly cut them out of my list....a lot of people only care of my looks....not my actual life...they assume my life to be perfect and normal.

Present to 2022...

I have made it so far...I made if out of the dark maze! I'm now living my own life with my own job! I left the dark maze! 

Now paying for everything, living expense, foods expense, traveling expense and all that I need I can fully support myself with what God has provided me. 

But with my previous issues....I still have anxieties...and a bigger health problem...I cried too much when I was little.. and had too much problems as I grew up....I have chest pains these days and nights....I went to see the doctor and doesn't feel better...the doctor doesnt think its a serious problem...even though Im hurting so much inside in pains...days become weeks, weeks become months....I feel so sad as I write this...even knowing that no one is going to read all this....

I feel left out in reality....isolated in my room.

People outside making phone calls to their friends or family....Sometime I do make phone calls with my oversea friends just two people...a person dear to me like a big brother and a sister. 

I wish I could meet them in real life....but I know I wont be able to....